Betting On José Mourinho Specials
José Mourinho is back. The Special One is returning to the Premier League. Today on the blog Ally Moncrief shares his thoughts on ten of the Special One betting specials currently on offer.
Despite the previous season having only just finished there’s another one right around the corner; it’s quite literally perpetual football. This coming season promises to be different however, if I was “that” type of writer I’d say it was all set up to be a ‘Special Season’ (you know because Mourinho’s back and he’s the ‘Special One’) but I’m not so I won’t.
Look, Jose is back at the Bridge and no matter how you feel about the Portuguese I bet you’ve missed him, because quite simply he makes the Premier League a more interesting place.
Such is the interest around his return that every bookie in the land has a selection of ‘Mourinho Specials’ for us to spend our pennies on. My task for this month’s column is to use my razor sharp analytical skills to take a closer look at a few of these markets. As an aside if you value your money please do not follow my advice, I am destined to live and die alone, in abject poverty (ed. – how many times do I have to tell you this isn’t therapy, get on with the article).
1 - Sent To Stands In First Premier League Game
Chelsea’s first game is against Hull, surely no-one can get sufficiently worked up enough about a game against Hull to be sent off?
Whilst that would normally be true, Mourinho is a master at pretending someone has done something to slight him, and then taking that imaginary slight and really running with it until he goes completely mad and starts poking people in the eye. So if Jose is to be sent off in the first game of the season it’ll be down to the voices in his head.
The Odds: Skybet are offering odds of 21.00 for Mourinho to be sent off in his first game back in the Premier League.
2 - Not To Win Any Of First 3 League Games
As previously ascertained Chelsea start the season against Hull, Hull are managed by Steve Bruce. If Jose Mourinho cannot beat Steve Bruce and his stupid fat head then football is cancelled.
The Odds: Skybet are offering odds of 26.00 that Chelsea will go winless in their opening 3 matches of the season.
3 - Sign Any Real Madrid Player In The Summer Transfer Window
This is unlikely due to him having taken the decision to violently and hilariously alienate as many of his previous charges as possible. Of course Mourinho is both mad and vindictive enough to sign someone he hates and then systematically destroy their career and if possible their soul.
So expect to see a bewildered/terrified Iker Casillas paraded at Stamford Bridge before the summer is out.
The Odds: Skybet are offering odds of 2.10 that Jose will sign one of his former charges.
4 - Get A Touchline Ban In Champions League 2013/14
It is said the only things certain in this life of ours are death and taxes (unless you’re Lionel Messi/Glasgow Rangers) but if you’re talking about Jose (and we are if you hadn’t noticed) you could add ‘getting a touchline ban for being a dick’ to that list.
Put your house on this one it’s a certainty (quick reminder about the earlier warning to ignore all my advice).
The Odds: Skybet are offering odds of 10.00 that Jose will get a Champions League touchline ban this season.
5 - Get A Touchline Ban In The Premier League 2013/14
The Odds: Skybet are offering odds of 3.50 that Jose will get a Premier League touchline ban in 2013/2014.
6 - To Win FIFA Coach Of The Year
This cannot happen, even if Chelsea win every single game for the entire duration of the Mourinho reign this cannot happen. You see, in Mourinho’s head FIFA hate him, they plough vast amounts of their ill-gotten wealth into undermining his every move and everyone who wrongs the great man is an agent of the despotic Sepp Blatter. So if FIFA were to give Jose an award it would destroy both his narrative, and possibly his entire belief system.
Obviously I’m making the assumption that the events in Jose’s mind affect events in the real world but it’s an assumption I have no qualms over making.
The Odds: Paddy Power are offering odds of 9.00 that Jose will win FIFA coach of the year in 2013/2014.
7 - To Win LMA Manager Of The Year 2013/14
He really should win this, apart from Wenger who is now philosophically opposed to trophies, Jose is by far the most accomplished manager in the league. The thing is, there’s every possibility that come voting time Mourinho will have ruthlessly eviscerated every member of the LMA judging panel and or slept with their spouses. This will probably not help him when the votes are cast.
The Odds: Paddy Power are offering odds of 4.00 that Jose will in fact win LMA manager of the year this season.
8 - To Win Manager Of The Month For August
Of course he’ll win this, who else is going to win? Steve Bruce and his stupid fat head? Sam Allardyce and his stupid fat head? No, don’t be ridiculous, Jose will start like he always does, with an avalanche of wins and charming quips and will collect this most pointless of trinkets.
The Odds: Paddy Power are offering odds of 6.00 that Jose will win Manager of the Month for August.
9 - Win Champions League With Chelsea By 2015
Nope, Guardiola (the anti-Mourinho) is going to foil him again, Jose will completely lose the plot and we’ll all laugh.
The Odds: Skybet are offering odds of 5.50 that Mourinho will lead Chelsea to Champions League glory by May 2015.
10 - To See Out His Four Year Contract
The Odds: Ladbrokes are offering odds of 2.10 that Jose will conclude his four year contract with Chelsea.
So In Conclusion.....
I must admit I was saddened that no bookmakers were prepared to offer odds on Jose bringing out his Mortal Kombatesque ‘eye poke finisher’ at some point during the season. I was also unable to find odds on the likelihood of Jose’s trademark knee slide celebration leading to a lucrative job fronting Daz commercials, the tagline could be something along the lines of ‘only Daz tackles your special stains’ (although thinking about it I’m not sure how appropriate that would be).
Anyway that’s about it for me, but before I go I must apologise for that Leo Messi/Rangers tax joke earlier, it was lazy and not very funny but as I have a word count to think about it’s staying in.
Follow Ally on Twitter: @AllorNothingMag.
Buy and read the All Or Nothing magazine now!