Ally Answers Your Emails From The Future

Joey Barton forms an anti-capitalist guerrilla movement. Zlatan Irbahimovich is a one-man alien invasion. And having Qatar host World Cup 2022 is a rubbish idea. Today Ally is once again back from the future.

JoeyBarton

If you’ve never read my column on bettingexpert before then more fool you because there’s been some truly genre defining stuff over the last few months, do not fear however you can still get involved in the fun.

For any newbies out there, the basic premise is you ask me questions about football and I use my awesome time travelling abilities to nip a few years into the future and find the answers. One more time for those still asking, no I’m not “fu**ing mental” I just have a time machine that’s all, deal with it.

In a slight change of pace from the norm I’ll be rattling through as many of your questions as possible, I’m losing some of the inane rambling and replacing it with cold hard facts. So let’s see what’s in store for us this month. Go.

As someone who retains a great interest in the tactical side of the game I was just wondering if there were any ‘tactical revolutions’ in the near future?

Well I don’t know about a revolution as such, but there is a brief flirtation with the classic primary school tactic of ‘line defenders’. You know the one I mean, stick the fat lad on the line and get him to blooter anything that gets past the goalkeeper. Granted, it’s not the most sophisticated system you’ll ever see but it is relatively effective, and does lead to a resurgence in the career of Titus Bramble, who briefly becomes the most sought after footballer on the planet.

Other than that, various people do a bit of tweaking here and there, back 2’s, inverted full backs, upside down wingers, that kind of thing. No-one has any idea whether it has any influence on the result or not but it is jolly good fun.

Whatever becomes of Joey Barton?

Ah yes Mr Barton, a tortured soul, misunderstood, and underappreciated by an unforgiving and jealous society or just a bit of a twat? Well I’m not one to cast aspersions so I shall just furnish you with the facts.

Joseph (as he eventually insists on being known) inspired by the French revolutionary spirit he encountered during his spell at Marseille, bins off his football career and founds an anarchist guerrilla movement. Unfortunately this mainly entails him and a few of his weird mates dispensing offensive (both in terms of grammar and actual content) tweets, and you know, calling people #helmets, stuff like that.

They do not smash the oppressive capitalist machine. Nice of them to try though I suppose.

Do we ever find out what’s up with Zlatan? I mean what’s he all about?

Zlatan it turns out is a one ‘man’ alien invasion, sent down to study the human race, their behaviour, their strengths and their weaknesses. The ultimate aim of course being the enslavement of us all.

As it’s Zlatan he naturally succeeds, but does it in such a joyously arrogant manner that no-one can stay mad at him. All hail Lord Zlatan. (Fun fact: I share both a birthday and a general disdain of humanity with the great man).

With the continued rise of football blogging, some proper journalists have been a bit put out. Does the ‘journo’ v ‘blogger’ debate ever come to an amicable resolution?

Amicable may be the wrong word but it certainly gets resolved. After a rather undignified ‘war of words’ between the two camps, it’s decided, for the good of us all that this dispute must be brought to a definite conclusion. A game of football is proposed, and to the victor will go the spoils. This is quickly shelved as it turns out that no-one who writes about the sport has any clue how to actually play it.

In the end they just have a big fight. The journalists’ insistence on adhering to per-determined rules of decency sees them massacred by the lawless and vicious blogging community.

There is a school of thought whom profess that an awful lot of blood has been spilled for very little reason. But hey ho it’s done now. Bloggers win.

There’s been a lot of controversy regarding the awarding of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, I was just wondering how it works out in the end?

Depends, if you’re asking as a football fan then it’s an unmitigated disaster. If you’re asking as a FIFA accountant then it’s an unprecedented triumph.

Not entirely sure my time travelling skills were required to answer that one to be honest.

What does the future look like for Scottish football?

Like a dystopian nightmare, far beyond the imagining of anyone alive today (unless they currently watch the SPL of course).

There have been a lot of rumours recently regarding the use of performance enhancing drugs in football, is it all just rumour or is there any basis to the claims?

Oh yeah there’s basis to them alright, in fact here are the names of all the players found guilty and subsequently banned for life….

(this paragraph has been removed on the advice of our lawyers)

Pretty shocking stuff eh? Who’d have thought that (this sentence has been removed on the advice of our lawyers) was doping? He’s not even very good, imagine how crap he’d have been without the drugs?

Ah bugger, the fan belt has snapped on my trusty time machine, that’ll have to be that for this month. I’ll get the old girl in for a service ASAP and will be back before you know it.

 

Before I leave however I’ll nudge you in the direction of my new football magazine focussing on the highs and the lows every true supporter goes through. It’s not just me don’t worry, there’s some very talented folk involved. Anyway it’s only 99p so it’s well worth a look.

And follow us on Twitter: @AllorNothingMag.