Ally Answers Your Emails From The Future
Will Celtic and Rangers ever play in the Premier League? Does Michael Owen have anything interesting to say at all? Today on the blog Ally is back from the future with the answers.
So here we are again, despite what many of you believed my column hasn’t been binned off (“yet”! – Editor). Anyway if you’re a newcomer then boy oh boy have you missed out on some top quality football writing (“top quality”? – Editor).
Fear not though you’ll grasp the concept pretty quickly, basically I have a time machine, and instead of doing something useful with the power that man has craved since the dawn of time itself, I use it to answer your questions on what football will be like in the future. So as you can see I’m basically an incredibly kind and helpful soul (and definitely not mental).
The first question this month is one I get asked on an almost daily basis, and to be honest it’s starting to irritate me, so I may as well get to answering it once and for all.
Celtic and Rangers are forever asking if it'd be okay for them to come and play in England, will they ever get their wish?
Ah yes, the two Glasgow sides have been harping on about this for a good few years now, I mean no-one in England seems even remotely interested, but that hasn’t stopped them. So let’s see if in the years to come they eventually get their way. I’ll just nip off into the future and see what I can find, talk amongst yourselves, I won’t be long.
I’m back, and good news for those of you who think that what English football could do with is just a little bit more hatred and bile, the Scots, with their own brand of religious intolerance, are coming to a Premier League ground near you. And soon.
Basically it transpires that persistence does pay off. As any child who’s ever really wanted something will attest, if you bug your parents enough they’ll eventually give in, if only in the hope of some peace and quiet. For those not following the analogy, Celtic and Rangers are the irritating little brats, whilst the Premier League is the stressed out (and probably negligent) parent.
Of course to accommodate the newcomers, two sides would have to make way. There was talk of expanding the relegation zone to five places, but it was decided that it would be much fairer (and more entertaining) to put it to a televised public vote (Simon Cowell’s grubby little fingers are everywhere in the future, it is not cool).
The first team to suffer ‘telegation’ (a combination of television and relegation in case you were wondering) was, unsurprisingly, Wigan Athletic, I mean it’s Wigan, no-one cares about Wigan except Dave Whelan, and absolutely nobody cares about Dave Whelan. The second side to fall victim to the public vote however was a bit of a shock, the once mighty, Liverpool FC.
You might be wondering how, with their large and fanatical support this could possibly transpire? Simple really, fans of the rest of the clubs got together (started a Facebook page and everything) and thought it’d be really funny to see how mental Liverpool fans would go if they got ‘voted out’ the Premier League (In case you were wondering, they went ‘proper mental’, and it was ‘proper funny’).
So it came to pass that Liverpool and Wigan became the first ever sides to be ‘telegated’ and their spots in the Premier League were taken by Celtic and Rangers, a new era in the ‘Greatest League in the World’ was underway.
You’re probably wondering how it all went aren’t you? Well some wise old dude once said “the only thing worse than not getting what you want, is getting it” and that (mis?)quote (I can’t be bothered checking) is wholly relevant here. In short, life in England’s top flight wasn’t as much fun as the ‘Old Firm’ thought it would be.
Basically, Rangers made the common mistake of presuming that being a fine player for a club “way back when” guaranteed some sort of managerial nous. It does not. McCoist is a crap manager and his incompetence saw the blue half of Glasgow relegated in double quick time. Celtic fared a little better and survived the first season, unfortunately they were so busy laughing at their rivals that they effectively forgot to turn up for the second season and soon plummeted out the division.
Both teams came to the conclusion that the English lower leagues weren’t a fitting stage for two such grand actors and demanded the SPL allow them to re-join. The response was a unanimous “dae wan” which is Scottish for “we have considered your request but feel it would not be in our best interests, please be on your way”.
My time machine was running a little low on fuel so I couldn’t hang about, but as far as I could tell the two clubs will start a league consisting of just themselves, and then spend the rest of eternity screaming hate at each other, taking the odd break to play a bit of football. Both sets of fans seem pretty pleased with this arrangement.
Well I’ve got places to go and people to see (that’s a lie, my life is empty and entirely without purpose) but I can squeeze in one more question. Go.
My favourite player when I was younger was Michael Owen, I know he's not what he once was but I still have a soft spot for him. The thing is I've been following him on Twitter and was just wondering if he ever says anything of any interest whatsoever?
A bit of a niche question there, but I’m here to serve. Hold on, I’ll be back in a bit.
Right, whoever you are I’m going to hunt you down and inflict some serious physical pain (or if you’re bigger than me write a strongly worded letter), I have just had to trawl through the entire history of Michael Owen’s twitter feed. Honestly I’m pretty sure this is what having a lobotomy is like. There’s nothing in there except some guff about horses, a few mentions of his scoring record at Madrid and some (unfulfilled) promise of having one big goal left in him.
Honestly why would anyone follow him? Morons the lot of you.
I’ll be back next month (unless Michael Owen sues me) so get your questions in.
The Odds: Michael Owen is best priced at odds of 6.50 with Skybet to score anytime tomorrow as Stoke visit Manchester City.
I’m on twitter where every now and again I say something funny.
Oh and you can follow Michael Owen @themichaelowen