Ally Answers Your Emails From The Future
Will Liverpool ever return to greatness? Will Scotland compete again in a major tournament? Today on the blog Ally Moncrief jets into the future to answer these questions with some answers you probably didn't expect.
Hello, I’m back again (against my better judgement – editor). If you missed the last instalment then shame on you, but hey I’m prepared to forgive and forget. Anyway, for those not familiar with the format of this column, basically what happens is people ask me questions about football and I travel into the future to answer them. Simple, and despite what some may say, definitely not mental.
So without further ado I’ll fire up the engine on my time machine (the old girl needs a few minutes to warm up) and delve into the mailbag to see what questions the lovely readers of bettingexpert have for me today.
The first question comes from a young lad called Steven and he’s from Liverpool.
Alright Ally, I’m a big fan of Liverpool FC and was brought up on tales of our glorious championship winning sides, the ‘Reds’ were the most feared team in the land according to my old man. But nowadays it’s those bloody Mancs and soft southern fairies that are racking up the league titles, they’ve got more money than us, they’ve got better players than us and it’s not fair. What I’m asking is this; will Liverpool ever regain their rightful place at the top of the English game?
An excellent; and oft asked question there Steven, than you. And to find the answer I’ll just nip off a few years into the future, bear with me I’ll be back in a sec.
Okay Steven I’ve done my time travelling thing and am now in a position to answer your question. First of all here’s the good news, yes, Liverpool will one day soon, be home to the Premier League trophy, the city will once again witness an open top bus tour of her streets, the “bloody Mancs” and the “southern softies,” as you so eloquently put it, will look on in envy as Liverpool rejoices. Now for the less good news, when I say the city of Liverpool I really do mean the whole city.
For in the future (and, trust me, not that far in the future) Liverpool FC as we know it now, does not exist, the same can be said of (soon to be former) rivals Everton FC. Where once there were two there will soon be just one.
Now Steven before you start scrawling a barely coherent, hate filled rant in the comment section, this seemingly unthinkable turn of events isn’t all that bad an idea. If you haven’t drowned in your own vitriol and are still reading, I’m more than happy to explain why.
First up it’s all about the money my friend, Everton have none, and I mean none. And Liverpool? Yes they’re better off, but we’ve seen what happens when they’re let loose amongst the January sales (believe me that jaw-dropping splurge on Carroll, Downing et al does not look any better a few years down the line). Everton know how to spend money but don’t have any, Liverpool, whilst perfectly able to generate large sums of cash seem intent on blowing the lot on footballs version of ‘magic beans’. Liverpool’s wealth plus Everton’s financial nous, it’s a match made in heaven.
Next, and most persuasively, is the whole stadium thing. Liverpool need a new ground and Everton need a new ground, both sides have, for a variety of reasons, made finding a new place to play look about as simple as selling your house and relocating to a nice semi-detached on Mars. Look Steven I know you’re probably organising/attending a protest march as we speak, but deep down you know the stadium share makes sense. It just so happens that it’s the first step on the journey to make Liverpool a one club city.
Oh and not to forget that in Davie Moyes you will, for the first time in a bloody ages, have a manager available to you who isn’t wholly unsuited to the role. A competent manager, imagine that!
It’s not all rosy I admit, no agreement could be reached on the colours the new side would adorn, so your kit is half blue, half red and entirely “mingin”. And yes, football clubs are meant to have an inextricable bond with the communities in which they were forged, but hey ho, that’s the modern game for you.
Bottom line is Liverpool (kind of) will win the league again, but David Moyes will be the manager and Tony Hibbert will score the title clinching goal (now that’s a bit far-fetched even for you – editor).
The second question comes from north of the border and a Mr C Levein.
Hey Ally I was just wondering if Scotland will ever take part in a major tournament again?
Ah yes it would be nice for the Scots to have someone to support at a major finals other than whoever is taking their turn putting England out on penalties. Give me a minute and I’ll find out for you.
Well if you’ve already booked your flights to Rio for WC2014 then I’d see about getting a refund mate. Scotland under the stewardship of that incompetent moron Craig Levein (no relation I hope) are going nowhere.
I thought however, I was going to be able to bring you good news in regards to the 2016 European Championships in France; it really did look like the Scots were going to end their long wait for competitive summer ‘fitba’.
Qualification had been confirmed after a glorious play-off victory over the ‘auld enemy’ (England). Unfortunately just as the team was about to depart for ‘gay Paris’, the former Scottish First Minister Alec Salmod (obviously still a tad peeved at losing the independence referendum, and high on Braveheart and Tennents Super Lager) gathered an army (a Tartan Army?) and marched across the border into England. Scotland was declared a rogue nation by the U.N and subsequently banned from all international sporting activities (this did not do much for Mr Salmond’s poll rating).
In a final cruel twist England were awarded the Scot’s place in the finals and went on to win the whole thing. The entire population of Scotland literally exploded with rage.
That’s all from me folks but if you have a question for next time there’s a comment section below or you can find me wasting my life on twitter @AllorNothingMag
I’m on twitter where every now and again I say something funny.