Ally Answers Your Emails From The Future
Oct 18th, 2012 - Posted by AllyMonc in Football
I write about a wide variety of subjects, to cover my ignorance I usually just make stuff up. Football is my thing really but I enjoy a bit of golf, boxing, rugby and such like.
Will Liverpool ever return to greatness? Will Scotland compete again in a major tournament? Today on the blog Ally Moncrief jets into the future to answer these questions with some answers you probably didn't expect.
Hello, I’m back again (against my better judgement – editor). If you missed the last instalment then shame on you, but hey I’m prepared to forgive and forget. Anyway, for those not familiar with the format of this column, basically what happens is people ask me questions about football and I travel into the future to answer them. Simple, and despite what some may say, definitely not mental.
So without further ado I’ll fire up the engine on my time machine (the old girl needs a few minutes to warm up) and delve into the mailbag to see what questions the lovely readers of bettingexpert have for me today.
The first question comes from a young lad called Steven and he’s from Liverpool.
Alright Ally, I’m a big fan of Liverpool FC and was brought up on tales of our glorious championship winning sides, the ‘Reds’ were the most feared team in the land according to my old man. But nowadays it’s those bloody Mancs and soft southern fairies that are racking up the league titles, they’ve got more money than us, they’ve got better players than us and it’s not fair. What I’m asking is this; will Liverpool ever regain their rightful place at the top of the English game?
An excellent; and oft asked question there Steven, than you. And to find the answer I’ll just nip off a few years into the future, bear with me I’ll be back in a sec.
Okay Steven I’ve done my time travelling thing and am now in a position to answer your question. First of all here’s the good news, yes, Liverpool will one day soon, be home to the Premier League trophy, the city will once again witness an open top bus tour of her streets, the “bloody Mancs” and the “southern softies,” as you so eloquently put it, will look on in envy as Liverpool rejoices. Now for the less good news, when I say the city of Liverpool I really do mean the whole city.
For in the future (and, trust me, not that far in the future) Liverpool FC as we know it now, does not exist, the same can be said of (soon to be former) rivals Everton FC. Where once there were two there will soon be just one.
Now Steven before you start scrawling a barely coherent, hate filled rant in the comment section, this seemingly unthinkable turn of events isn’t all that bad an idea. If you haven’t drowned in your own vitriol and are still reading, I’m more than happy to explain why.
First up it’s all about the money my friend, Everton have none, and I mean none. And Liverpool? Yes they’re better off, but we’ve seen what happens when they’re let loose amongst the January sales (believe me that jaw-dropping splurge on Carroll, Downing et al does not look any better a few years down the line). Everton know how to spend money but don’t have any, Liverpool, whilst perfectly able to generate large sums of cash seem intent on blowing the lot on footballs version of ‘magic beans’. Liverpool’s wealth plus Everton’s financial nous, it’s a match made in heaven.
Next, and most persuasively, is the whole stadium thing. Liverpool need a new ground and Everton need a new ground, both sides have, for a variety of reasons, made finding a new place to play look about as simple as selling your house and relocating to a nice semi-detached on Mars. Look Steven I know you’re probably organising/attending a protest march as we speak, but deep down you know the stadium share makes sense. It just so happens that it’s the first step on the journey to make Liverpool a one club city.
Oh and not to forget that in Davie Moyes you will, for the first time in a bloody ages, have a manager available to you who isn’t wholly unsuited to the role. A competent manager, imagine that!
It’s not all rosy I admit, no agreement could be reached on the colours the new side would adorn, so your kit is half blue, half red and entirely “mingin”. And yes, football clubs are meant to have an inextricable bond with the communities in which they were forged, but hey ho, that’s the modern game for you.
Bottom line is Liverpool (kind of) will win the league again, but David Moyes will be the manager and Tony Hibbert will score the title clinching goal (now that’s a bit far-fetched even for you – editor).
The second question comes from north of the border and a Mr C Levein.
Hey Ally I was just wondering if Scotland will ever take part in a major tournament again?
Ah yes it would be nice for the Scots to have someone to support at a major finals other than whoever is taking their turn putting England out on penalties. Give me a minute and I’ll find out for you.
Well if you’ve already booked your flights to Rio for WC2014 then I’d see about getting a refund mate. Scotland under the stewardship of that incompetent moron Craig Levein (no relation I hope) are going nowhere.
I thought however, I was going to be able to bring you good news in regards to the 2016 European Championships in France; it really did look like the Scots were going to end their long wait for competitive summer ‘fitba’.
Qualification had been confirmed after a glorious play-off victory over the ‘auld enemy’ (England). Unfortunately just as the team was about to depart for ‘gay Paris’, the former Scottish First Minister Alec Salmod (obviously still a tad peeved at losing the independence referendum, and high on Braveheart and Tennents Super Lager) gathered an army (a Tartan Army?) and marched across the border into England. Scotland was declared a rogue nation by the U.N and subsequently banned from all international sporting activities (this did not do much for Mr Salmond’s poll rating).
In a final cruel twist England were awarded the Scot’s place in the finals and went on to win the whole thing. The entire population of Scotland literally exploded with rage.
That’s all from me folks but if you have a question for next time there’s a comment section below or you can find me wasting my life on twitter @allymonc
And read more of Ally's work at BallsBoobsAndBlow.wordpress.com
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As the saying goes, Pinnacle is rumoured to be in possession of tomorrow's newspaper... so maybe time to set up camp in Curacao.
I wish I had a time machine then I would certainly report back to the tipsters on how to win and make myself the more popular man on this site!!!
Let me go and watch Back to the Future I, II & III as I'm looking for the almanac too!!!
I certainly will Joachim, the continuation of the Saw franchise is something that should trouble all human kind.
Yeah, could you give us an update on that Saw thing next time you fire up the time machine? That really concerns me.
Thanks David your concern is appreciated, I am intrigued by the Thai foot massage, less so by the infinite Saw sequels.
Not shooting the messenger Ally. Just countering a flawed argument.
Besides... not my club, not my city, not my country. So it's meant to be an objective analysis.
Take it as a concerned friend's advice. Wouldn't want you to overshoot into a future were "football" is the name given to a Thai foot massage technique that is the latest trend amongst poshy girls ...and sequels of the movie Saw are still being released. That would be a nightmare.
If you happen to bring back a whole weekend's final scores from the future that would make for a great accumulator bet which would have us all smiling for years to come.
Thanks Joe I appreciate you taking the time to comment, just bear in mind that all I am doing is reporting on the events of the future, none of this is my opinion, I am merely an impartial time-traveller. Oh and the plural of sheep is sheep not "sheeps". Yes I am Scottish, and no, I have no particular feelings either way toward sheep or any farm animals.
Hi AllyMonc,
Thanks for taking time to write your replies to phantom names of Steven and C Levein. I will go straight in commenting on your first answer from Steven. I'm not sure whether your example of selling or improve your house is the way to go in order to get more income or improve the situation. I think the issue isn't really about the house or a stadium, it is about the qualify of the players and the what they desire. If you are good in what you do, then you can have a small house and keep on being number one or winning awards. There is something in Liverpool that we call a "Liverpool Way", not many outsider will understand or can understand what this means, and likely the US owners are trying to break away from this old tradition and hopefully make the "Liverpool Way" their legacy by improving it. As far as I'm aware, if Moyes is with Everton they won't have much chance to win anything, even when Liverpool was in their darkest hour, they were able to pick up a league cup but Moyes has been ridden that he won't get much with Everton. So that should answer the everton myth while the Liverpool side will only do better and go up from here.
As for your second answer, I think it's evident that Scotland doesn't have much chance so I guess we are stating the obvious here unless you are scottish and love sheeps.
Looking forward to read your next answers from your questionaires.
Well David thanks for taking the time to comment. I'm sorry you're not happy with what the future holds for your club and your city. Unfortunately there's not a lot I can do, I do not feel comfortable with using my time travelling abilities to shape either the future or the past. All I can do is report on what I observe. To paraphrase a common saying "don't shoot the time-traveller". Embrace the future David my friend, embrace it.
No Merseyside derby just because Liverpool need "financial nous" to get back on their feet? Even small businesses emerge from the depths of hell by finding the right people with so called "financial nous". Why would "Liverpool's wealth" need to kill a historical derby, whilst minor ones survive in England, when hairdressing saloons and bakers can achieve success by involving some thought process in what they do? And the stadium issue... Stadiums in Italy, home of another top European league, are close to being declared historical remains, something on the lines of Maya and Inca temples in Europe. Yet nobody is inclined to make a huge decision on the levels of that of merging Liverpool with Everton. In fact clubs are making their own long term plans to build their own stadia and recover financially. And we're talking about clubs like Palermo and Cagliari which market value is less than half that of Everton. Tighten the screws on the time machine Ally. Unless Liverpool in the future is a place where booze flows more abundantly than it does today your machine needs tweaking up. Do it quick or back from your next "trip" you might be here describing the quality stitching on the jersey of this new super club called Real Barcelona.
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There is an ethical code amongst us time travellers that forbids such activities, to break this code would bring great shame upon me and my family. Also as a massive Back to the Future fan I am aware of the potential reality skewing consequences! Hill Valley in that alternate 1985 looked bloody rubbish!