The 10 Degrees Of Caring About Football
Do you care about football too much? Is it your be all and end all? Today on the blog Alastair Moncrieff takes us through the 10 degrees of caring about football.
People care about football, I mean look at you, reading an article about football on the internet, you care, you probably care too much actually but we’ll get to that. Naturally, there are different degrees of caring about football; are there possibly ’10 degrees of caring about football’? Well for the purposes of this article let’s hope so.
#1 - Blissfully unaware of the existence of football as a concept.
Imagine this; imagine how different life would be if you didn’t even know that John Terry existed, imagine not knowing who Luis Suarez was. Like a world without lawyers, we’d all be so much happier. Maybe you and I could even be friends? Maybe not.
Unfortunately, as football seeps into every crevice of our world I fear the only people who fit into this category are Amazonian tribes, as yet untouched by the brutish hand that is modern civilisation. The lucky gits.
#2 - Aware of football but will face the other way if it’s on in the pub.
An interesting breed this lot, in many cases their lack of interest in football is wilful, not caring about football is a statement, a part of their identity. There is a good chance that anyone engaging in this type of behaviour is a rugby fan, and therefore likely to spend his* spare time lighting his farts. Avoid these people.
*I’m all for sexual equality and that, but I refuse to accept ‘fart lighting’ is anything other than a male only pastime.
#3 - Checks the scores in the paper on a Monday only after all other sections have been read and the crossword attempted.
This is basically my dad, he likes cycling, in fact he likes cycling to a level that could be considered indecent.
Back in the day he took more interest in the football scores as they were directly responsible for the mood and behaviour of his eldest son, now that we do not live or work together his interest has waned.
#4 - Checks the scores in order to have something to talk about with colleagues/family/partner.
This is basically my mum. STOP TRYING TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME MUM.
#5 - Doesn’t have a club side but goes to the pub for World Cup/Euro games.
Chances are you know someone like this; chances are they’re an alcoholic. We have a massive problem with alcohol in this country, it is no laughing matter, these people need help.
Either that or they just like the idea of getting together with friends and you know, socialising. Doesn’t seem very likely to me.
#6 - Supports a team, has a replica kit but couldn’t name the starting XI.
This is arguably where most of the population sit, it’s a relatively healthy way to think about football (apart from the replica kit, please stop buying them). The best thing about people like this is they’ll occasionally get involved in football debates for which they are wholly unequipped, cue hilarity amongst those of us cursed enough to be ‘into’ football.
God we’re pathetic.
#7 - An actual fan, their life, if not revolving around football, is certainly influenced by it.
We’re edging towards dangerous territory here, football is starting to affect this group's everyday lives. They hang about with people that, under normal circumstances, they’d never exchange more than two words with, certain colours can never be worn (I’m a Celtic fan but blue matches my eyes, it’s a dilemma I still wrestle with to this day) and the end result of 22 men kicking a ball about has a huge influence on their mood.
Some members of this group may have a football related tattoo, this is not okay, tattoos when done well can be a wonderful thing, personal, attractive and distinctive. I have never seen a football tattoo done well and neither have you. A bloke once came into my work and (unprompted) rolled up his trouser legs to reveal Jimmy Johnstone’s face etched on one calf and Henrik Larsson on the other, I burst out laughing, he seemed upset.
#8 - A supporter, through thick and thin, home and away, come rain or shine.
Anyone residing in this category may actually be beyond help; their lives (or what remains of them) are fitted around football, mid-week cup replays mean family meals are cancelled, their circle of friends is limited to those of similar persuasion, AGMs are attended, shares are purchased and in some extreme cases, reserve matches are watched (this is not healthy). Interestingly these folk often eschew international football such is the devotion to their club side.
On the off chance that any ‘category 8’ football fans find a ‘mate’ they may get married at their teams’ stadium. The divorce rate for couples married in sporting stadiums is 100% (I don’t have the statistics to hand but it’s definitely true). If you take nothing else from this article then take this, don’t get married in a football ground, or in a football kit for that matter, it will only lead to a life of misery.
#9 - Writes about football on the internet.
Awful people, absolutely awful. Avoid them where possible (should be easy they’re all socially inept), this lot not only care about football but are arrogant enough to think that other people care about their opinions on football.
This also applies to people who comment on articles about football on the internet, except they’re worse, much worse.
#10 - Cares so much they should be locked up.
This bunch are rather frightening, they see everything through the prism of football and their view is suitably distorted. To them racism is not a cancer upon our society that must be eradicated at all costs but a ‘cultural misunderstanding’ or a ‘bit of banter’ if its source is their club's star striker or inspirational captain (discreet – Ed).
As a Celtic fan I know people whose opinion on the Middle East conflict is based solely on what side of the Glasgow divide they reside (wish I was joking).
If you fit into this category please seek professional help.
So that’s it, the ten degrees of caring about football, where do you fit in? (Please don’t tell me, I really don’t care).
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