I Know Nothing About Betting But....
Greg Theoharis might not know a lot about betting, but he knows what he likes. Today he shares his thoughts on this weekend's Premier League action.
Man City vs Hull City (Tigers)
A missive from on-high directs all Hull players that not only must they play under the name Tigers now but that they must also mirror the club’s mascot by wearing a full Tiger suit, replete with furry headwear.
It proves a masterstroke in the first half as the Manchester City superstars can’t control their laughter at such a bizarre sight and the newly-promoted side take a 2-0 lead into the break.
Manuel Pellegrini however proves why City were so hellbent on acquiring his services and ensures his team eat a whole bowl of Frosties at half-time whilst Survivor’s famous feline tribute blares over the changing room’s hubbubs. This news gets out to the Hull players who suffer a further identity crisis and duly capitulate thus proving that a holistic approach clearly works.
Score: Man City 2 – Hull City (Tigers) 2
Crystal Palace vs Sunderland
It’s a heavyweight battle between Big Mouths this. Will it be Ian Holloway or Paolo Di Canio who gets the controversial soundbite in first?
The match is overshadowed by the bizarre warm-up techniques stipulated by both managerial mavericks. Di Canio makes his team march up and down the length of the Selhurst Park pitch in meticulously timed unison whilst Crystal Palace’s regime involves an inexplicable routine of hula hoops, rubber ducks and giant foam hands for the goalkeepers.
Both managers gesticulate lots during the match and their contorted expressions are captured for posterity in super slow-mo. No-one remembers what happens on the pitch. Maybe that’s for the best.
Score: Crystal Palace 0 – Sunderland 0
Liverpool vs Manchester United
Liverpool supporters are confused. Their team has a 100% record going into the game and they find themselves above their most bitter rivals. But wait? Who do they hate more? United, or David Moyes for his close connections to the Blue side of Merseyside? And what about their own team? Are they meant to hate or love Luis Suarez?
The whole game therefore descends into a cacophony of boos, a din to rival the darkest days of the vuvuzela. Brother turns on brother as they can’t decide who or what should be the focus of their ire. United duly go on to score a flurry of goals, Liverpool lose their unbeaten record and normality is resumed when Suarez is sent off for shaking Patrice Evra’s hand…or something like that.
Score: Liverpool 0 – Manchester United 3
Arsenal vs Tottenham
Whatever happens on Sunday, you can be guaranteed that all the pre-match focus will be on the question of transfers or lack thereof. Will Spurs have succeeded in their quest to buy every attacking midfielder possible and will Arsene still be doing his best Scrooge McDuck impersonation, diving into a whole stack of cash as he resolutely continues to live by his much-vaunted principles?
Let’s remember though, that this is the North London derby. THE NORTH LONDON DERBY! So, Spurs will inevitably take an early lead but fail to take advantage of Arsenal’s fragility and then cause heart palpitations for their supporters as Arsenal shred the Spurs defence’s nerves. Trust me, I’m a Spurs fan. I’ve seen this too many times over the years. But then again, this is New Spurs, right?
Score: Tottenham 1 – Arsenal 2
Weekend Premier League Odds
Odds as at 30th August 2013.
If you're looking for Premier League betting tips this weekend, check our Premier League Betting Tips Board across the weekend.
Follow Greg on Twitter: @Sofalife
And read more of his work on his blog DispatchesFromAFootballSofa.com