Ally Answers Your Emails From The Future

Mar 10th, 2013 - Posted by AllyMonc in Football

I write about a wide variety of subjects, to cover my ignorance I usually just make stuff up. Football is my thing really but I enjoy a bit of golf, boxing, rugby and such like.

Will the Premier League bounce back from the snooze-fest of 2012/2013? Today on the blog Ally Moncrief takes a short trip into the future to tell us how Premier League season 2013/2014 will play out.

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Look, it’s clear to pretty much everyone involved, that this preamble is merely an attempt to edge the word count closer to the magic 1000 mark without any creative input on my part. I know it, you know it, the whole world knows it, yet here we are again, I’ve managed to file a good 60 words before I’ve even mentioned that the premise of this column is me taking your questions about football and travelling into the future to answer them. The results of which are occasionally amusing, but more often border on libellous. Anyway, enjoy.

For various reasons, none of which I feel like sharing, there’s only one question this month. Please address all complaints to whoever you think might be interested.

"Hi Ally, with the Premier League title race all over bar the shouting, and the season in general being a bit boring, I was just wondering if one year from now we’d have the promise of a more exciting conclusion to the season? Basically, what will the Premier League look like in 12 months’ time?"

A good question, and I have to say I agree that season 2012-13 is one that will very probably, not live long in the memory, hopefully 2013-14 will be a bit less crap. Only one way to find out I suppose, I’m going to set the controls in my time machine for a year from now and see what I can find. In the words of early ‘noughties’ hip-hop vocal group Blazin’ Squad (google them) “I’ll catch you on the flip side”.

Okay I’m back, and the good news is it looks like next season will be infinitely more entertaining than the one we’re currently slogging through. There’s an awful lot to cover and I’m staggeringly lazy so I’ll just give you the edited highlights. *SPOILER ALERT*

Manchester United

As always, Manchester United are kicking about at the top end of the table, and as is becoming tradition they’ve got there without anything even resembling a central midfield. The biggest controversy in their season so far has been an investigation by the charity Age Concern as to why they won’t let Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs retire. At the time of writing the investigation was still on-going.

The Odds: Man United are currently best priced at odds of 2.63 with Bet365 to claim the Premier League title in 2013/2014.

Manchester City

To the surprise of many, Roberto Mancini is still in charge at Manchester City. Their title bid received a boost for the 2013-14 season as their owners decided that the whole European football thing was far too difficult and in the end it wasn’t worth the hassle of entering, thus leaving Mancini’s men free to concentrate on domestic issues (and Carlos Tevez free to concentrate on his golf game).

The Odds: Man City are right now best priced at the odds of 2.88 with Bet365 to win the Premier League in 2013/2014.

Chelsea

If the league trophy was awarded to the club who ruined or attempted to ruin the most managerial careers then the name Chelsea FC would have been engraved on it long ago. Fair play to them because in season 13-14 they’ve outdone themselves, it’s hard to keep up, but when I turned for home they were being managed by Roman Abramovich in a Pep Guardiola mask. It also appears Avram Grant is still involved somehow but no-one’s all that sure how.

The Odds: If you like Chelsea to achieve Premier League glory in 2013/2014, they can currently be found at odds of 6.00 with Betfred.

Arsenal

Arsenal are an interesting case, after finally missing out on a Champions League place the season before (season 12/13) it was decided that the reign of Arsene Wenger had run its course. Despite being linked with Jurgen Klopp, Vincenzo Montella and the rest of the suave European crowd, it was to ‘Arry Redknapp that the Arsenal board eventually, and surprisingly turned, handing him the proverbial ‘transfer warchest’. Piers Morgan seemed to be in favour, everyone else thought it was mental.

I’ll spare you the gory details but by the end of the summer transfer window, Arsenal’s generation of financial prudence had been obliterated and all they had to show for it was a squad consisting entirely of centre backs and strikers, all vastly overpaid and injury prone. It looks like Arsenal will take over Leeds mantle as the biggest English side to go (financially) ‘tits up’. None of this of course is ‘Arry’s fault.

The Odds: Arsenal are currently best priced at odds of 17.00 with Betfred to win the Premier League in 2013/2014.

Liverpool

It just wouldn’t be the Premier League without Liverpool doing something unintentionally hilarious. Once again they’ve not let us down, it transpires that their ‘manager’ Brendan Rodgers was actually a Ricky Gervais creation all along (I know it seems so obvious now), and his whole reign was really just material for Gervais’s new show. The penny finally dropped when Karl Pilkington was appointed as assistant manager and Stephen Merchant got a job in the canteen. Liverpool fans didn’t see the funny side but everyone else agrees it’s Gervais’s best work since The Office.

The Odds: It's been a while and odds of 21.00 at Bet365 suggest a Liverpool title in 2013/2014 is once again unlikely.

Tottenham and Everton

What about Spurs? Well they pipped their London rivals for that coveted Champions League spot in season 12/13, Gareth Bale left for Madrid anyway, grown men wept, no one judged them. Everton? They’re now so poor that they have to rely on a local food bank to provide team meals #BrokenBritain. David Moyes still hasn’t smiled.

The Odds: Tottenham are currently odds of 34.00 with Betfred to win the Premier League in 2013/2014, while Everton are priced at odds of 151.00 with Bet365.

The Rest

Everyone else seems just to be pottering about as normal to be honest, Tony Pulis still thinks it’s acceptable for a middle aged man to wear a baseball cap, West Ham have sacked ‘Big Sam’ solely on the basis that his face is just far far too big, they replace him with Paolo Di Canio, initially people found him ‘refreshing’, that didn’t last. It turns out he’s just a more aesthetically pleasing Ian Holloway.

I’m edging ever closer to that 1000 word mark and you’ll notice I still have the majority of the teams in the league to cover, but let’s be honest here, if you actually care about what Southampton, Norwich, Villa and the rest will be up to in a year’s time then you need professional medical help, and lord knows I’m not the man to give it to you.

So, having insulted a healthy percentage of my (dwindling) readership I bid you farewell. Until next time dear friends.

Follow, applaud and abuse Ally on Twitter: @AllorNothingMag

And his new football quarterly All Or Nothing will be launching on Kindle this month.

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