What Will John Terry Do With His Spare Time?

Sep 25th, 2012 - Posted by JimCampbell in Football

Hello, I'm Jim, I'm a stand up comic and presenter on The Football Ramble podcast. I also write for bettingexpert.

This week John Terry announced he will no longer represent England on the international football stage. Today on the blog, Jim Campbell from the Football Ramble tells us what we can expect to see Mr Terry doing now with all of this spare time on his hands.

JohnTerry

On Sunday John Terry announced his retirement from international football, claiming the FA had made his position untenable when they launched their own investigation into the infamous incident involving he and Anton Ferdinand at Loftus Road last season.

To be fair to Terry – and this is the only time I'll be doing that – he was excellent for England over Euro 2012, but given that he's highly unlikely to be involved in the 2014 World Cup now is a good time for him to step aside and let someone else learn the ropes.

What this does mean is that Captain John will now have a lot of free time on his hands. So what will he do with it? I have some ideas...

Defrost the freezer:

He'll have been meaning to do it for ages but won't have found the time. Now he's got loads of time. He can take a knife to it and really work out some of the anger that burns deep inside him. His wife will walk in to find him in his underwear, grunting and viciously hacking at the ice as an England game plays out on the TV, knowing to let him get on with it. It needed doing anyway.

Become a pundit:

He'll need a way to stay in the limelight after football, so may want to start now. He'll fit right in on the Match of the Day 2 sofa, wearing a Captain's armband over his shirt, doing banter with Robbie Savage and staring into Colin Murray's eyes as if to say: “I'm coming for your job.”

Have a serious crack at Cheryl Cole:

If there's one thing that we know John loves, it's a a team-mate's ex and this would annoy Ashley Cole so much that he'd do it for the banter. This would put Ashley in a strange position. His current status as deputy bully would be in jeopardy as he'd be the one on the end of it. He must be paranoid about it already. At the moment he can always keep an eye on JT - though even then he has to be careful, probably why he takes an air gun to training – but if he's out of his sight all kinds of dark thoughts will run through his mind. Terry would enjoy holding this power over his sidekick.

Join the Illuminati:

Former footballer David Icke claims that the world is secretly controlled by a shadowy Illuminati featuring world leaders, the royal family and – strangest of all – Kris Kristofferson. He says that these people aren't people at all, but are in fact giant, shape-shifting paedophile lizards from space. Assuming he's correct – and I don't see why you wouldn't – these reptilians would be cold blooded and have no capacity for emotion or empathy, meaning that Terry would fit right in. I imagine he and George Osbourne would get along famously. Speaking of which...

Spend some time in the garden:

This is a retirement classic, though when I say “garden” I of course mean “grounds” and when I say “spend some time” I obviously mean “fox hunting”. Extreme fox hunting. He and George could cement their new found friendship by breeding foxes that they'd then chase around with machine guns and grenades, before they'd wipe the blood of their ginger victims all over their children, because that's what actually happens on a fox hunt.

Make horses roller skate:

Because he's John Terry and he does whatever the hell he likes.

Still turn up to England games:

It could get really uncomfortable. “Why is he here?” players will awkwardly mutter, before his intentions are revealed when he runs onto the pitch in full England kit to get in on the photos whenever England are celebrating a goal.

Make himself available for England again:

I give it a year.

Follow Jim on Twitter: @JimCampbellTFR

And listen to Jim each week on The Football Ramble

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With the recent docking of £220,000 and also 4 days suspension from FA, John Terry will have even more time to consult his lawyers, PR consultant, minders in the next PR stunt. I think he should take course in the diversity of london and maybe even prepare a biography of how he was able to reach this pinnacle of his life. Whatever it is, there will be plenty of journalist, paparazzia, media and women or his own stupidity to make the next headline. It's never a boring.

Joe

27.09.2012, 19:36 CET