Ally Answers Your Emails From The Future
I write about a wide variety of subjects, to cover my ignorance I usually just make stuff up. Football is my thing really but I enjoy a bit of golf, boxing, rugby and such like.
Will the Gerrard-Lampard combination ever work? Will Jack Wilshere recover from his injury issues? Today on the blog, with the assistance of time travel, Ally Moncrieff offers definitive answers from the future.
Well hello there, and welcome to the first in a series of columns I’ll be writing for the lovely people at BettingExpert. Now before we start, it’s probably best I let you in on a little secret, it’s not a big deal or anything but, well, I have a time machine.
Yes it works, and no, I’m not a moron, I’m a ‘time-traveller’, deal with it.
Mankind has long dreamed of the ability to control the flow of time (well at least since those Back To The Future movies came out and everyone went mental for the whole ‘hoverboard’ idea).
A chance to right histories wrongs, a chance to solve all manner of scientific and philosophical conundrums, finally we would be able to truly see how our predecessors lived before us, and how our descendants will live long after we are gone.
Am I going to do any of this?
Erm no, I’m not. I have my reasons, first of all, to be honest with you I can’t really be bothered, and more pertinently, BettingExpert have asked me to use my unique abilities to answer some of your questions from the present day, about what football will be like in the future.
Frankly this seems like much less effort so I thought I’d give it a go.
The first question (which I’ve clearly made up as this is the first column in the series) is about the England national team.
Hi Ally, big fan of your work! I was just wondering if the Gerrard – Lampard combination will ever work for the Three Lions? – Roy H, England
Hi Roy always nice to hear from a fan (yes I’m aware I’m not only talking to, but actually praising myself, what can I say: I’ve got issues). Ah yes, one of the great questions of our time, along with how in the name of all that is holy did Charlie Adam get a game for Liverpool? And what is Kanu’s actual age?
To answer this I’m going to jump forward a couple of years to 2014, and the World Cup in Rio. I’ll be back in a bit.
Oh, oh dear. It seems the Gerrard – Lampard axis is the least of England’s worries in this tournament. This is not good, not good at all! I’ll spare you the goriest of the details, but suffice to say that **** ***** (you can’t name him –editor) and ****** **** (you can’t name him either – editor) did some things, to make matters worse they asked ****** ***** (you definitely can’t name him, that’s not how you spell his name, and how the hell did he get in the squad? – editor) to film said things. With a depressing inevitably, the video ended up on twitter. Could it get any more embarrassing you ask? Well yes it could, it appears that Carla (the ‘female’ star of the video) was known as Carlos only weeks before!
Tabloid headlines of ‘England Stars In Training Ground Tranny Romp’ have understandably made objective analysis of the intricacies of the teams midfield play pretty tricky.
Sorry Roy, it appears the “will the Gerrard – Lampard combination ever work for The Three Lions?” question, is one whose answer cannot be derived even with the gift of time travel. Although, if I was to hazard a guess I’d say no, and to try giving Michael Carrick a shot instead.
So onto the second question then, and this one also concerns an English midfielder, Arsenal star Jack Wilshere.
Hi Ally I’m a big Arsenal fan and I’m starting to get concerned that Jack Wilshere will never recover from his injury woes, why has he been out so long, will he ever get back to full fitness and fulfil the potential he displayed in his early appearances? – A Wenger, (London)
Hello Mr Wenger, thanks for your question. And an intriguing question it is, young Jack was only supposed to be out for a matter of weeks, a small knock on his ankle we were told, nothing a bit of rest and recuperation wouldn’t sort, he’d be back before we knew it. But yet here we are, what feels like years later, and far from running the Arsenal midfield, Jack appears to have disappeared of the face of the earth!
Right, I’m going to nip off into the future in an attempt to answer Mr Wengers question, talk amongst yourselves.
I’m back, and I bring with me some good news, I also have some bad news, and some strange news.
Good news is that yes Jack Wilshere will make a full recovery, and will more than fulfil the potential so evident that night Barcelona were humbled at the Emirates.
The strange news, and this is strange, is that the reason for Jacks prolonged absence was nothing to do with his ankle. No, it transpires that in an effort to regain their position at the top of the English game, Arsenal ploughed all their resources in to creating the world’s first ‘bionic footballer’ (that’s where all those transfer fees went!) Jack was the ‘guinea pig’ and quite extraordinarily it worked! His natural flair and vision was combined with mechanical strength, and endurance, Jack was perfect.
The bad news? Yes you guessed it, after half a season he signed for Man City (that’s an incredibly lazy joke – editor).
It appears Mr Wenger would like to ask one last quick question, oh go on then.
Will Theo Walcott ever learn how to cross the ball? – A Wenger (London)
Well I’ll be honest with you, all this time travelling has tired me out and I’ve not even had my lunch yet, so I’m going to call it a day. Don’t worry I’ll be back next month (don’t count on it – editor) so if you have any questions you think me and my time machine could help with, then please do get in touch. I mean I’ll probably ignore them and just make up my own, but you never know.
If you want more of Ally's nonsense, follow him on twitter: @allymonc
And read more of his work at BallsBoobsAndBlow.wordpress.com
You must be logged in to post a comment! Sign up + or log in in the top right corner.