Accepting that you have lost control over gambling & finding your motivation to quit

Gambling addiction recovery cannot be summarised into a blog post or even into a book! You will find that it is both harder than you first expected, but also far more satisfying and rewarding than you ever thought imaginable.

This article will feature some ideas on how to put an end to self-destruction and help you overcome some of the early obstacles that otherwise threaten to throw you right back into the grips of gambling. This post is the first in a series of two and will give you the much-needed insight into the many difficult obstacles that you will likely encounter during the recovery process. It will also, hopefully, provide you with some hope that recovery is possible and within reach if you choose to commit fully and patiently to the process.

Most addicted gamblers have a reasonable idea of the steps they could take to make it harder to gamble – yet many will not get around to taking those steps. This is why the first post in the series will be entirely dedicated to overcoming the denial and resistance to change.

Some words on denial – a major obstacle to starting recovery

One of the many strange things about addictions in general, is that the addicted person can remain in denial of their state, even at times when the situation is glaringly obvious to those around them. A gambler in denial will frequently have to lie to those around them so that they can persevere with gambling activities. As they lie to those around them, they frequently lie to themselves as well – through rationalisation of their behaviour. To loved ones, denying the reality that is plain to see for those around the gambler, tends to come off as disrespectful, cold and careless. It is important to understand that this is part and parcel of the addiction itself and, sadly, one of the symptoms that keeps the gambler psychologically ‘removed’ from the consequences of their addiction.

Persevering with gambling in the face of the many tragic consequences it may have caused necessitates a disconnect from reality and a lot of compartmentalisation on the part of the gambler. Unfortunately, with prolonged engagement in gambling, the difficulty of embracing the negative consequences often increases with the years. Put more simply, the pain of the aftermath of gambling keeps increasing, and so does the need to block that pain out with the ‘help’ of further gambling. Whilst the impact of this behaviour must not be dismissed, it can help people around the gambler to be aware that it is not usually a conscious choice from the gambler to operate in this way.

Why is it so hard to quit?

It would truly appear as though a part of the brain has been ‘hijacked’ by gambling, and the more the gambler engages with gambling, the more dominant this part tends to become. This means that it can get harder as opposed to easier to withdraw from gambling as it gets a stronger and more powerful foothold in the addicted person’s life.

Deciding to stop even when a part of you doesn’t want to

Denial and ingrained emotional avoidance patterns can form enormous obstacles to a gambler’s willingness and commitment to quit. In theory, the steps that need to be taken towards quitting are fairly straightforward. Most people will be able to deduce that the severing of gambling access via self-exclusion and/or blocking access to cash and credit lines will be helpful if indeed the aim is to reduce engagement with gambling.

However, getting someone to execute these steps whilst they are still hellbent on ‘getting even’ via further gambling is a lot easier said than done. To understand this better, you might wish to think about your gambling in the same way as you would think about the role of alcohol for an alcoholic. An alcoholic is equally unlikely to decide to quit during a drinking session. If this logic is applied to gambling, you might need to capitalise on times when you feel less emotional about gambling and ensure you take big strides to create solid barriers to gambling at a time when your mind is less hooked on the many illusions that are created during a ‘chase’.

By allowing a break from the activities of gambling there will be new experiences to consider for the brain. Whilst it takes a leap of faith to quit, it can be useful to think of quitting more like a process.

Accepting that you have lost all control over the activity

A driving force of gambling is a deluded belief system which frequently involves ideas about gambling being a route to life improvements in one way or another. The underlying belief is that gambling can make you rich, get you out of debt or provide some other positive effect ‘if only’ you can find a strategy to do it better, lose less and keep more focused and disciplined.
For those who have arrived at a place where they hate gambling, it still tends to be leant on for escapism and dissociation from difficult emotional experiences. Consciously, this might not feel like a positive driver of gambling, but for the emotional brain- it still works as such. Any belief about using gambling as a form of emotional survival tool or self-improvement
mechanisms is likely to create huge hindrances to one’s ability to cut the losses and start the process of letting go. This is not strange. If you think about it, we humans love to believe that we have more control over aspects of our life than we do. When things feel out of control emotionally, we frequently compensate (with or without realising it) by creating our little illusions of being in control. The idea that you can manage your way to a ‘better’ gambling experience is an example of the same defunct and unhelpful thinking that got you into trouble with gambling to start with. Rather than allowing gambling to dig a deeper hole for you, try to recognise the following:

The bottom line:

You will never win. Not because winning is not possible in general but because you have proven beyond any reasonable doubt to yourself that whether you win or lose during a gambling episode -you no longer have any control over what you do next. If you win you think you can win more so you keep going. If you lose – you chase losses by gambling more and taking greater risks. Speaking from 20+ years of clinical experience, I can sadly confirm that the control will not be returning. The way to get back into the seat of control is to control your access to gambling so that it cannot continue to ruin your life!

Key Takeaways:

• Denial: A hallmark of addiction is the presence of DENIAL. Not only does denial prolong the addiction since there is an unwillingness (albeit often subconscious in nature) to see the reality of the consequences brought on by gambling. Denial also interferes with the motivation to take steps to stop.
• Awareness: Denial is not a logical process, hence the gambler and loved ones will often struggle to comprehend how it can persist even when the writing is on the wall. Understanding this process better and how it interferes can enable the gambler to ‘sidestep’ their own reasoning and proceed to take active steps to put a stop to gambling.
• Acceptance of the loss of control is a central feature of recovery. Acceptance starts when the gambler begins to recognise that their control has been lost and that regardless of whether they win or lose – the gambling will neither bring profits; nor contribute to anything other than further damage and destruction for them. It is an important step to wards cutting losses and ending the chasing cycle.
• Stopping – regardless of what your emotions tell you It is important to recognise to accept that the continued gambling is part of what makes the reasoning warped and the motivation to gamble non-existent. Therefore, taking all possible steps to accept some harsh truths about the consequences that gambling has incurred while also tying in external accountability to stop can be a powerful way to get a stop to the activities.

SUPPORT

Taking steps to quit gambling can be extremely difficult and taxing emotionally. The process of isolation often contributes negatively to the sense of desperation and loneliness addicted gamblers feel. Finding support is a powerful way of assisting with accountability and guidance both in the short and long term of recovery.

Annika Lindberg – Counselling Psychologist
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